I stepped on the bathroom scale the other day for the first time in years. It read 265 pounds. It’s official folks, I’m fat. Actually, I’m beyond fat. I’m obese. And I’m not quite sure how it happened. It’s like, I woke up one day and found myself in a body that had swollen to ginormous proportions. It happened so easily ~ 115 pounds just piled on. And so, I’m wrapping my head around the fact that I’m a fat grrl. While I wish I weighed in at my idea weight (150 pounds), I have a problem with labels such as ugly and unsexy given to fat women.
I’d like to think my beauty exists independently of the size of my shell. Unfortunately the media send out messages that make it all too clear ~ fat = unattractive, gross, disgusting. These messages get drilled into our heads from the time we are little girls. I’d like to know, really know, that I’m on a weight loss journey, not to bring sexy or beautiful back, but to improve the way I feel about and in myself and my body. But, deep down, I confess that I do feel apologetic for taking up too much space in the universe. And for comparing myself to other women and often wish, if only I could have her body. I confess that I need not be skinny or thin to feel worthy. I confess that I treat food more like a comfort than like the nourishment it should be. I confess that I eat to fill myself, trying to make myself whole. I confess that I’ve been hiding out in this
fat obese body of mine. I confess that I often don’t provide my body with the movement it desperately needs. And, I propose that beauty exists across all dress and pant sizes (what a novel concept, huh?)
You see, there’s much more to weight loss than arithmetics, exercise and calorie counting. It’s all about working on what’s inside me, you know, emotionally and mentally. It’s all about trying to figure stuff out ~ what void am I trying to fill with food? Why has food ~ particularly sugar and fat ~ become a drug for me? This blog will provide me with a place to do this, and to share what I’m learning with others. It’s not so much a blog about keeping track of counting down numbers. It’s really about all the thoughts and feelings I have along the way.
So, hello. Thanks for reading.